The Salmon Parade/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW Set of living-room furniture. [ gunshots ] [ glass shatters ] harold: He's warm, he's cuddly, he's furry, and he hangs around in the forest. I guess that's why they call him a possum. Put your hands together more than once for the star of our show, mr. Red green! Mr. Red green! Whoo! Thank you very much. Uh, thank you for tuning us in, and if you do see something that you don't like, just blame harold, especially if it is harold. Wa-a-a-a! Well, uncle red, as the director/producer, I take all the blame. Of course, I also take all the credit. [ keyboard clacking ] wa-a-a! Well, I think you just exceeded your credit limit there, harold. Big, big week at the lodge this week. The salmon are running in mercury creek. Old man sedgwick says that that's the first fish that he's seen in there in living memory, which is amazing, because living and memory are two things he doesn't have a lot left of. Wow, that's amazing. Mercury creek's really making a comeback ever since they closed the paper mill. Yeah. Oh, you know, and of course the asbestos mine and, you know, then the paint factory and the oil refinery. Yeah, yeah. Who says free trade hasn't been good for us, eh, harold? Who needs jobs? We got salmon, right? You can't eat jobs. Wa-a! 'course, you can't eat that salmon, though, either. But we wanted to have some kind of an event, you know, to commemorate the return of the salmon. Oh, please, not a salmon feast. Oh, you don't want to put one of those salmons in your mouth. Oh, that does not make for good eating, I'll tell you. All that mercury. Might make a good thermometer, though. Yeah, and you still wouldn't have to stick 'em in your mouth. No, no. Uh, we're thinking more of, uh, having a salmon parade, you know? We're gonna have a parade that'll go right from possum lodge all the way into town, and, of course, the theme of the parade will be...Salmon. Good. Yep. So we're telling all the participants to make something that kind of captures the spirit of the salmon in mercury creek. Well, I guess there's gonna be lots of floats, then. [ laughs ] [ spoons and guitar playing ] ♪ in murphy's bush, the trees are tall ♪ ♪ with moss and fungus on them all ♪ ♪ murphy's bush has brambles, too ♪ ♪ with shoots and roots and swamp and goo ♪ ♪ I may pull, and you may push ♪ ♪ but it's really, really hard to drag a dead moose ♪ ♪ through murphy's bush ♪ this week on "handyman corner," we're gonna talk about recycling. Now, we got an old car here that, uh, ordinarily would be ready for the dump, or as we call it at the lodge, the mall. But, uh, instead of just rolling this into a ravine or ferrying it somewhere or trying to sell it on that home rip-off channel, we're gonna show you how you can do a little recycling and, uh, turn this old car into a whole houseful of fine furniture. For example, there's a couple of good-looking seats in there. And now what we have is a real nice living-room couch. And the backseat here becomes, of course, a matching love seat. Finally, a love seat with proof. And, you know, there's other stuff that you can get out of a car. Like, I look over here, and I say, "well, by golly, there's a couple of nice lamps there." and how about this bumper? Wouldn't that make just an excellent fireplace grill? You know, if you like scandinavian furniture, you could do this with, say, a volvo or a saab. Or if you wanted lawn furniture, use a lada. Well, is this cozy or what? I got the headlights hooked up here, and got the jumper cables running across to the battery, and, uh, what you can do is, uh, hook up a high-beam switch, and, uh, fire on to high beams when you want to read the tv guide. And here's another bonus that you get. You hang this on your front door, and you got yourself a really unique, interesting doorbell. [ honking ] and you know you're thinking, "wouldn't a little music go good now?" well, how about the car radio? [ music plays ] you were gonna throw that thing out, and it comes with a built-in stereo system with built-in speakers. Take a look at that. We get moose thompson to lie down and wedge his head between those and put on some clogging music, he practically kicks the walls down. Ah, it's a great setup. Seating for everybody, and we got the great fireplace setup here with the bumper, but to me, now it just screams for a coffee table -- something that you can put the tv converter on the odd time when you do actually set it down. Let's get ourselves a coffee table. Now, to me, the roof would make an ideal coffee table, so step one is to remove the roof. Actually, that's the only step. Now, you can use a saw with that or one of those electric knives or what have you, or just wait till it rusts off, but I don't have that kind of time, so I like using the oxyacetylene cutting torch. And these, to me -- I've been messing with these for years, and they just -- they're a very effective tool. But you got to protect your eyes, of course. I think I started using these when I was around 10, 11, 12, 13. I guess I was around 6 or 7. Well, that's not working too good, so I'll just -- I got a lighter here. I'll just get that going. [ sniffs ] boy, you can sure smell that acetylene. Where's the torch? I'll just -- where is that torch? [ explosion ] all right, uh, that's got her. [ air whistling ] oh, here she comes now -- free delivery. [ crash ] and to think you were gonna throw this stuff out, huh? Remember, until next time, if women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. Ah, this is great, isn't it? [ coughs ] and now it's time to expose those three little words that men find so difficult to say -- "I don't know." wa-a-a-a! And here once again to prove that point on the expert portion of our program is my uncle red and his good friend mr. Glen braxton. Okay. "dear experts, my brother is gay." "my brother is gay, and I tried to talk him out of it, "but he says he was born this way. How can I get him to straighten out and fly right?" what are you guys looking at me for? I'm an expert on boats and r.V.S, not -- yeah, I know, glen. Well, I just thought that maybe, you know, you could, uh -- no, I got -- red, I'm married. I got seven kids. I got seven kids at home, pal. I know. I just thought -- I thought you just would be, you know, more comfortable with the, uh -- hey, I don't think you got any kids, do you, red? You don't have any kids. Go ahead, feel that. Feel that. Go ahead -- right there. Come on. No, feel it. Come on. Here, feel that. I'd rather not. I lift outboard motors every day. Don't tell me. All right, all right. I just thought you'd be -- you'd feel more comfortable. You got the kids, you know, and everything. You're so masculine, I thought you'd be fine. Yeah, you bet. Mind you, glen, you know, your kids are all girls. So? Excuse -- I just think what my uncle is trying to say in his primitive, uh, politically uncorrect way, is that, you know, being the father of seven daughters, perhaps you'd be more in touch with your feminine side than the other guys around here. Whoa, whoa, feminine side, harold? I don't have a feminine side. I got two sides -- front and back -- and they're both masculine, okay? Okay, well -- for god's sake, don't try to prove it for us. Look, all right, if you're uncomfortable with this -- I'm not uncomfortable. No. No. I wish there was more gay guys in the world. Sure. Then I wouldn't have to watch my teenage daughters like a hawk. Okay. Um, I think we've offended everybody with any sensitivity now, so why don't we just wrap this up? No, no, no, no. I can answer this. No, I mean, you can't talk somebody out of being gay, you know? See, it's biological. Live and let live. Do what you want to do, you know? Just mind your own business. Wow. Cool answer, mr. Braxton. Boy, I wish more guys around here had sensitivity like you. Wa-a-a! Why's that, harold? No! No! No way! Feel that. Feel that. Come on. [ grunting ] red: What do you call that club, bob -- tree iron? I thought we might need some kind of a permit, you know, to have our salmon parade, so I went over to talk to bob stuyvesant about that, 'cause he works for the government, and another thing is it's easy to find bob 'cause you know he's always on the golf course. Now, he claims he's actually working there -- you know, he's taking air-temperature readings and the soil humidity and wind and weather and stuff -- and that the golf is actually just a fake. This golf thing is just a cover. If any polluters see me, then they just figure I'm just another golfer. Unless they see you golf. So how's the air temperature and soil humidity today, bob? What? Oh sniffs you know, seems fine. I'm more concerned with thinning trees today, red. Let me get out of your way here. [ air whistles ] [ pop! ] yeah, there's another one that's got to come down. Oh, my gosh. Doing a little excavating, too, are you, bob? Gonna build a subdivision in that divot? Aerating, red. It's the best way to get oxygen into the soil. All right. Listen, maybe you'd like to join me in my game of golf. You can -- you can play from where I lie. That way, it would help with your recovery shots. Oh, no. I'm not -- I'm not as good a golfer as you, bob. I could never recover from your lies. But, you know, I did want to ask you, do we need a permit to have our salmon parade? I don't think so. You're not expecting a big crowd, are you? Oh, no. I mean, there's only 50 guys in the lodge, and most of them are in the parade, so I would say under 1,000. Could even be under 10. Uh, red, could you -- could you help me look for my ball? Oh, sure. Went in here, I think. Oh, never mind. Found it. It's right here. You sure, bob? There's a ball back here behind this rock. It's a super dot 3. What are you hitting? This one. No, you're not. Well, the parade to celebrate the return of salmon to, uh, mercury creek is on. Everybody's building a float. Uh, buster hadfield completely redid his truck. It looks like a truck now. And, uh, moose thompson is helping me. We duct-taped one of them above-ground pools to the roof of the possum van. We're gonna paint her all red and go as a giant can of pacific salmon. Stinky peterson didn't know what to do that would capture the true essence of a salmon, you know, so junior singleton -- he suggested that maybe, you know, stinky just stand downwind of himself for a minute. [ laughs ] well, stinky took exception to that remark. So now junior's entering the salmon parade as a sockeye. Yeah. Well, of course, you know, I'm gonna be the grand marshal of the parade, and I'll be leading everybody in single file from possum lodge right down to memorial park, where we'll hear a speech by the mayor. Then we'll all wake up and have a party. What are you gonna do for the parade, harold? I'm going as a one-man band. That'd be pretty much the story of your life, would it not? I'm gonna go as one of those guys who crank the calliope, you know, and the monkey jumps around on the string and everything. Well, that sounds kind of cute, harold. Not really anything to do with salmon, but okay. Let me know if you need me to be the guy cranking the calliope. Okay. [ spoons and guitar playing ] ♪ 99 bottles of beer on the wall ♪ ♪ 99 bottles of beer ♪ ♪ I don't care what anybody says ♪ ♪ it's my den, I'll decorate it the way I want ♪ [ film projector clicking ] red: This is a little safety tip this week. If you're ever out in the long grass, be awful careful bending over to pick anything up when, say... Aah! ...Somebody's coming along in a van. But, uh, we know we're happy that this served its purpose in showing you, you know, what not to do in the long grass. We want to show you everything not to do in the long grass. You okay, there, bill? Oh, yeah. He's all right? [ groans ] wow, he was grilled for questioning. [ clears throat ] all right, so, his nose is back crooked, the way it should be, and he's looking -- no, he dropped his shears. 'cause bill's plan this week was he wanted to cut the lawn out in the back of the lodge, and, man, that hasn't been cut -- whoa! Oh. Oh. Wow. Slippery stuff out there. And the good news is he found the shears. Oh. Oh. Well, that's -- well, they call them a pair of shears. Now you got two singles. Now, look at that. Oh, yeah, like the old days -- the old ways, the old days. Oh, that brings back a lot of -- a lot of feelings from my grandaddy. Oh, look at that. The scythe. You know, the old scythe and sickle? Sickle scythe? Scythe sickle? Whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop. No, bill, you don't -- oh, careful now. Careful, careful, careful. Wow, she's in the clay here. So sticky and -- give her a good hoist there, pal. Oh, oh, oh! [ air whistles ] the blade is -- no, no, bill. There's no blade on that, bill. Blade -- bill. The blade's -- bill? It's missing, but it'll -- it'll be back in a minute there, bill. Just -- just stand about right there. Hold your arms out. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. There it is. Yeah, came out of the sky, bill. Yeah. That blade came out of the sky. Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, that's right. Yeah, yeah. Oh, it's too late now, bill. It missed you. So now he says, "all right, let's mechanize the thing." this is a gas lawn mower, and you know the darn things -- a lot of times, they take 700 or 800 pulls. But bill's got that figured. What he did was he put a real long pull rope on that thing. There he goes. And -- and -- and -- get her going. One more. One more. One more. One more. One more! [ motor starts ] yeah, that's it. That's it. Oh, oh! By golly, it's one of those self-driven ones. Excellent. Uh, we'll catch you later, bill. Well, that didn't work out, so then he brought out one of them electrical -- now, to me, the electric mower just doesn't have the power of the gas. Oh, bill, I don't think -- it's just not -- you know, they don't -- they just -- yeah. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. That's not gonna do it. Now what are we gonna do? Oh, look who's coming through. Yeah, we'll wait here, bill. What's he gonna do? Just -- oh, taking the handle off. What do you want the handle for, bill? It's already got a handle on the electric one. You don't need -- oh, for gosh sakes. Okay. Okay. Gonna mount the other handle on there, and you got a handle on each end, and now we can -- yeah, we can pick her up, and that way, we can cut the higher -- oh, of course. So I click her on there, and this is -- but, you know, instead of the thing coming down, it actually started going up. Now, let her go. Let her go, bill. Let her go. Let her go! Bill! Bill! Bill! Hang on. Hang on. Hang on. Hang on. The wire's going. You got to think fast. You got to think fast. I'll just unplug that, and maybe that'll bring him down. Is there a chance that that's gonna bring him down? Is there -- is there -- is there -- is there -- yeah, yeah. Uh, he's okay. Gosh, we haven't cut a lot of lawn yet, there, bill. You all right? Yeah? No, we're over here. Over here. Over here. There you go. He seems okay. We won't cut the lawn. We'll just flatten it. This next part of the show is, uh, for all the kids who watch, and they tell me there's a lot of you. But I think by the end of this segment, there may not be any. Hi. Uh, well, welcome to the youth-oriented portion of the show, or as we like to say in the biz, the interesting part. I'm harold, and today's topic is... Okay, stag dancing. You know, not this kind of stag. Not like a male deer or something. Stag dancing, okay? Stag dancing is perfectly acceptable as long as nobody knows. Harold, no one knows and no one cares. Au contraire, uncle red. Au contraire. You see, because we single teens are always looking for ways to fit in and be accepted, so here's the secret to stag dancing. If you see two girls at a social function, and they're dancing together as girls so often are apt to do -- but anyway, what you do is you just sidle on up in there and you start dancing right with them, you know? And from the casual observer's point of few, he'll think you're a real stud. [ chuckles ] that's spelled "d-u-d." anyway, the same deal goes if it's a guy and a girl dancing. You just get in there real close, and many observers won't even see the guy. Wa-a-a-a-a! And what about the observers who can't see the girl? They'll think you're dancing with another guy, harold. Well, then -- well, avoid the slow songs. No kidding. I wonder if that's why I got punched. Oh, harold, could be a million reasons. See what I mean? Oh, ho ho. I know I can't expect you teenagers to do well in school or to have some manners or to back off on the looting and rioting, but I would have thought you had the brainpower to figure out which way a cap is supposed to go on. Now, this part here -- the hard part -- is the peak, okay? And its job is to keep the weather off your face, because up until this generation, that was the most valuable side of a person's head. When you wear the peak on the side, somebody's liable to come up to you and whisper right into your nose. And if they've just eaten at a vietnamese restaurant, that could be serious. So wear the peak the way it's supposed to be, not to the side or in the back, 'cause that looks like you don't know which way you're going, and that shouldn't happen till you're at least 30. I was hoping dougie franklin would lead the parade with his monster truck, but he had other plans. He wanted to turn this old car of his into a great, big fish. Put this in here like this. A little bit of spot welding. I get, like, a hook hanging out of the fish's mouth. Okay. I see. That's your fish hook. You ready for the pièce de résistance? I think I am, doug. Paint her pink, hang her on there. Yeah. What do you got? Worm? You got your worm. Absolutely. So, I'm thinking, you know... Well, I think maybe harold -- harold could drive old zelda here. Oh, no, no, no. Thanks anyway, doug. I mean, harold doesn't even have his driver's license. Oh, you don't need a driver's license for a parade. You just need a big baby like this up front in case you run into another parade or a funeral or something. Or a parade that turns into a funeral. Oh, you got to live on the edge, red. I do. Right on. Well, this whole salmon parade thing ran into a few snags. Wa-a! Snags? Snags?! I think it ran into a lot more than that. Wa-a-a-a! Well, in hindsight, I think it might have been the parade route. It was a 20-mile-long, winding dirt road into town, which was populated by -- I believe I counted three people... Two of whom were hitchhiking. And so, after the first mile, uh, a few of the guys started to fidget. I love this. Fidget. Is that what you call it -- fidget? Well, that's what I told the cops. Uh, it started when junior singleton tried to pass stinky peterson 'cause he couldn't stand the fumes coming off his truck, you know -- or the fumes coming off his shirt, either. So then junior and stinky started to jockey for position. Then, of course, old man sedgwick, you know, didn't want to be lapped. And at that point, it got a little out of control, and the whole parade kind of sped up a tad. Yeah, I -- I think when you broke the speed limit, it technically no longer was a parade. No, no. And, of course, a lot of the -- a lot of the floats were built for the slower speeds, so, you know, the plywood and the cardboard started flying off. You know, pretty soon, it was more of an obstacle course, motocross kind of a thing. And then, you know, when stinky, junior, and moose all came, you know, slamming into that one-lane bridge over mercury creek there, it sort of became a demolition-derby thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Anyway, I mean, all insurance claims aside and everything, I think it came out pretty even. But, of course, we could no longer make it into town, so I canceled the salmon parade. Wa-a! You had to. You had to cancel it. After the crash, all the gas, oil, and transmission fluid hit mercury creek. The salmon saw it, did a quick 180 back to open water. Wa-a-a! Out of there! [ screeching ] oh, that's the possum. That means we got a meeting, uncle red. Yeah, yeah. All right, harold. You go ahead and go down there, harold. Okay. I'll be down in a minute. All righty. Well, usually, I love a parade, but I can't say I had a lot of feeling for this one. If my wife is watching, uh, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting, and I told the guys that they can keep all their floats in our driveway until they stop smoldering. So, you might want to close the living-room drapes for a couple of weeks. And to the rest of you, on behalf of myself and harold and the whole gang out here at possum lodge, thanks for watching, and keep your stick on the ice. [ screeching ] all rise. All: Quando omni flunkus, moritati.